Friday, June 20, 2014

Summer always Triggers Me

I knew it was coming, it always does. Those posts that usually are about animals left in cars, but then turn into another child that dies from being left in the heat of a car and one more is lost. Another child has to die.

Every year when the heat begins, I start feeling it, the same thing I felt so long ago. Helpless, Anger, and even a fear I can't describe.

I got help...Saw someone, and tried to get past it all. But here I am again...Right back on that day, and I have no where to hide.

It was in June~Over 20 years ago, when my mom was still alive, my kids were little and life was on the surface good.

 I was on the way home for a family dinner and stopped to get rolls at the bread store on Plantation Road. I go to my car from the store and heard a yelling like I have never heard before. She keeps screaming... My baby, My baby~~ I thought someone had stolen her child. When I ran over, she was standing there in shock, I looked in and did not see anything. The Van had the high back seats, but she kept screaming. I ran around and slid open the back door. There she was....Limp, lifeless with her eyes open. I jumped in, got her out and handed her to mom who was still screaming at the top of her lungs. By this time the crowd that gathered started helping. But, it was too late.

She did not realize her husband had put the  baby in the car to go to the baby sitter. She thought it was his turn. She never saw the baby in the back. She didn't know.  She will never leave my mind. My heart, My soul. This mom lost her precious baby and I will feel the weight of that baby in my arms forever. FOREVER I will see her eyes wide open, Forever I will hear those screams.....

People are nasty, people are judgemental, and people just have to go through things themselves before they understand. But, I can't keep watching the judging on Facebook or other sites when it happens over and over again.

When you lose a child due to your own actions....well I can never imagine how you ever get through that. I did not judge her then, nor will I ever judge anyone who has such a loss.

Kids die, Animals die, and people die when left in the heat, in a car, even in their own homes. Every year there are more. Every year other's seem to think it could never happen to them or someone they know.

I thankfully can say it hasn't happened to me, or anyone I know, but that didn't stop me from holding that lifeless baby in my arms. That didn't stop me from hearing the horrifying screams that day from the mom.

I see a doll with it's eyes wide open~I am right back there. I feel the heat in the car, and I can hear that baby cry for mom. Nothing I have done for the past 20 + years can take it away. I will always wake up from nightmares of holding that baby. I wake up with my heart racing, and can't shake it.  I won't shake it until about mid October. When the heat is gone, unless I see a doll with it's eyes open, and I am right back there again and again.

I don't talk about it much. I don't talk about it at all anymore. No one wants to hear about that day. I hold it in. I keep it close and I am a basket case because of it.~~Summer time. For some it means trips, beaches and family time.

For me it is the remembrance of many horrible events in my life. It is the beginning of a long long few months for me..... Summer... For me, it is the time I hurt the most, cry the most and just wish it would all end the most.