Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Hold on tight, or try to let it go?

They say what you have been through makes you who you are. I am not sure what I am, but I know I have to make sure that this time in my life does not turn into another dark memory for me in 20 years.

That's a positive statement. I will be here 20 years from now remembering how I feel today. Remembering how something 20 years ago has taken over so completely.  

I often wonder if I was in a better place would it be so hard. The past 16 years or so have not been so great, even with some wonderful and happy moments, I have not been okay for quite a while.

When I was working I remember having a child come into my office who had a doll. She put her down and went to play in the play area I had set up for the kids.  When the family left, I went to smoke, and glanced over to the play area, and there was the doll. Eyes wide open, and I lost it. I was right back again, seeing that baby, hearing the screams and I ended up so shaken that my CSR called my boss to come help me.

I was in a good place, so I thought.  But flashbacks still occur. Still happen.  Nightmares never go away. So what's the answer?

I do know that I do not want to keep dreading summer. Hate June and July so much I make myself sick. I want a change now. Right now~

I need to forget about the baby, I need to make July 2nd a great and wonderful day to remember it differently. I need to wake up from a nightmare, and realize how far I have come. How things are different.

It is not like I haven't said all this before. It isn't like I haven't tried. I am like velcro, no matter what it keeps clinging to me. The trauma of what happened to that baby, the trauma of what happened to my family. The trauma and after effects cling to me. I just have to learn to deal with it when it comes roaring its ugly head.

Today's issues are what I need to concentrate on. Medicare changing and Diana's drug costs are killing us.  Not being able to run the air conditioning with someone with Lung Cancer is not cool, but we can't afford the electric bill. Applying for jobs only never to get an interview, much less an offer. Missing events because we can't afford gas and are to embarrassed to attend a wedding because we can't afford a gift. My daughter's wedding we can't help with or even afford a new dress or a wedding gift. Eating the same thing and only once a day to make it last.
These are the things that should take over my life, not nightmares of babies dying and a monster destroying my family.

I know I should be thankful that we still have a roof over our head and we have each other. Di and I~~ Since the beginning we have had nothing but trauma or drama.  She had to help me deal with the courts, trial and the idea of what happened to my family. Then she is diagnosed with terminal cancer. Given 6 months and then on to Brain cancer...We have stayed in a world of thankful for each day....as hard as it is.

I am thankful she is here, she did not let the Doctors be right. She fights every day....every minute. Practically with no support from even her own family.  She is the strongest woman in the world. She doesn't deserve to live the rest of her days with me being depressed. I worry, will we have money to get her what she needs. I worry as we went from her working with retirement and a career as an x ray tech until she got sick. Not that she was too sick to work, but that they decided since she was on morphine for the pain of the radiation and numerous complications and hospitalizations that she was no longer needed. What a slap in the face. What a horrible way for her to be treated.

Then my career ended when legislation closed our work places in VA~
We thought it was God's way of spending quality time together.....

SHE IS ALIVE~~~This is what I need to concentrate on. HER being alive, beating all odds, never giving up~~~I try, I do try. But feeling helpless, not being able to take away the enormous pain she is in, not being able to provide for her the way we were use to.  It hurts...It brings me back to a bad place all over again. A vicious circle of helplessness....

But....what you go through makes you who you are. Who you become and what you do with your life.

Holding on or letting go.  I am doing both.