Sunday, June 22, 2014

Summer nightmares, memories and wishful thinking!

It was cooler than it has been lately today, didn't help with the nightmares last night, but at least today started off a little better.

Too bad it didn't last long. The thoughts of what happened this weekend have consumed me, caused more chest pain and a headache that won't go away.

The realization of what I thought was right, being so wrong is hard to swallow. The little things, like when the kids were little we went out of the way to travel, take them to as many places as possible. Museums, beaches, amusement parks. Places all over the east coast. We sacrificed, saved and did everything we could to make these trips the one's to remember.  Problem is.....they don't.

They don't remember I was home for them, or involved in their every activity. They just remember I didn't work.  Their memories are so different than mine.  That hurts.

I was hoping to spend time with my kids this past weekend. It was a special weekend. 4 years of when I started what is now all that keeps me going. Something I was proud of. Something I give my all too. Where I get the little bit of money I do. But they didn't have time for me.

It reminded me of how my mom must have felt when the Sunday gathering stopped when dad died. Every Sunday, my local brothers came to the house. Until Dad was gone. Funny thing is....he died on a Sunday. How hurt she was, and now I know why. She didn't want to beg, or to bug them. She wanted them to come over because they wanted to be with her. I guess I am more like my mom then I knew. I don't push, and that's a problem. If I push, well I am a pain. You can't win....I am sorry Mom. Truly sorry ~~

It is almost time to have the fear of sleeping start again. It is the time I hate the most anymore. Since the storm came through, maybe, wishful thinking, it won't be so bad tonight. I won't wake up hearing that screaming mom, I won't wake up with feeling the weight of that baby, and just maybe...just maybe I won't wake up to her eyes open.

Summer Nightmares, Ton's of Memories and Wishful Thinking~~It is how I live in the Summer~

First Day of Summer

Here it is....Summer is here. I woke up startled and I know it will be this way for a while. I open up the computer, the first page on my MSN site states

Here we go, then I did what I shouldn't have, I went to Facebook. There was a friend who posted that no way she could ever leave her child in the car. Everyone chimed in and everyone had their judgements. All I could think about were the babies. These parents will never be the same, and these children never have a chance to live.

Getting through the day without talking about it drove me to do these blogs. I sit in the heat of the day because we can't put the air conditioning on since it costs so much. I watch the dog as he pants, and watch her as she tries to withstand the heat with her condition. I try to shake the thoughts and just be thankful we have each other, and then something reminds me again.

In just a few short weeks an anniversary of the most horrific day of my life is on the way. That is in the back of my mind always. Another thing I don't talk about. Another thing that no one wants to hear about. Another thing over 15 years ago that affects me each and every day.

I hate summer. 

I wish everyone enjoys all their trips, the beaches, the family times.
I want nothing more than to see people enjoy their lives and I can live through them. Summer for someone who can't breathe due to cancer is scary. I worry. I worry a lot. I just sit back and pray nothing will happen this summer.

I had to stop as the chest pains got worse.
I spent the day in massive pain, missed a celebration with friends
and funny thing
except Diana.