Monday, June 30, 2014

Just when the memories are killing me....this happens

It has been a rough few weeks~~ More babies dying due to being left in cars. The screaming and nightmares have taken its toll on me. The heat gave way to cooler air, and made it a little easier to take. Then thoughts of this Wednesday took hold. I shake it off, then keep going. I find other things to do, and then a kid screams, or someone mentions a trigger.

But what truly brought me back to here and now, was the oxygen compressor nearly killing Diana. Due to the oxygen company wanting to save money, not listen and not care, her machine melted the filter which caused her to have major lung issues. Not good for someone with lung cancer. The company finally sent someone with a brain out, he was not happy when he saw what they had done to her. He was not happy when he was told that they said that they only use generic filters.  We were not happy when we found out that no one knew what they were doing or talking about. This nearly killed her and getting through the past week with her trying not to drop a lung took over our life.

This is the way we live, according to how she feels each day. The heat was bad enough, having no air is bad enough, eating the same thing every day because of the change in Medicare and not having money, was bad enough. She fought so hard to stay alive. Only to have the oxygen company try to kill her. Medicare is trying to kill her.

It is okay. She is alive and she is getting a little better thanks to the tech that finally knew what was going on. We may have a smidgen of good things, but when they come, we are so thankful and feel blessed for each moment of happiness.

I can't stop the triggers of the baby in my arms. I can't stop the triggers of the monster and what he did to destroy us, but I can stop and be thankful of her waking up, us having a dinner with our son and daughter n law. Actual food, and for the laughs we get from the dog. I can stop...and re-think that a flashback is just that, something I already lived through. I can remember it was horrible, it was trauma I would never wish on anyone. I can be thankful, shake it off, and continue to live life each day, however it is handed to us.

As bad as this week usually is for me. I am going to make it different, I am going to take control and take those bad memories, flashbacks and turn them into a celebration of living through it all, with my family being where they are today, happy, healthy and with people who love them. I am in control, and it is about damn time I realize it~

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I am trying~~

As the day started, so did all the anxiety. I am going to try to acomplish the things I didn't yesterday. I am trying, I really am.

I have decided that to keep myself from wallowing in the days ahead, I am going to start going through all those items I saved for whatever reason through the years.

As a mom, you tend to hoard things thinking your kids will want these. It brings back memories, means something or may even be worth money. Then you realize, it means nothing to your children, only to you.

Back in my day, LOL Now I done gone on and said that. Back when I was a teen, when it was time to move on or out, we shopped in our parents basement. We used the couch, the end tables, chairs whatever else we needed, we could find at mom and dad's.

So, I saved everything, just in case. Then when my parents house was emptied after the home was no longer in our possession, our parents were gone, we were gone, I just had to have those items that held such fond memories for me. I had to keep things, for the kids. I wanted them to have pieces of their grandad and growing up.

What a food I have been, they don't want old stuff any longer. They all have great jobs, great lives and don't want or need **Stuff**~ So I guess I will have a big sale, but this time, things I never thought I would let go of. Things that can help us, instead of sitting in a box somewhere waiting for me to die and the kids have to clean out.

No longer saving something just because it meant something to me. Life today means more. If I can make $50 and help with bills, her meds or even buy food. That is what I need to do.

It is hard to shift your thinking, and getting rid of things that you wanted your children to have, but shifting it is.

I am trying...I really am.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Hold on tight, or try to let it go?

They say what you have been through makes you who you are. I am not sure what I am, but I know I have to make sure that this time in my life does not turn into another dark memory for me in 20 years.

That's a positive statement. I will be here 20 years from now remembering how I feel today. Remembering how something 20 years ago has taken over so completely.  

I often wonder if I was in a better place would it be so hard. The past 16 years or so have not been so great, even with some wonderful and happy moments, I have not been okay for quite a while.

When I was working I remember having a child come into my office who had a doll. She put her down and went to play in the play area I had set up for the kids.  When the family left, I went to smoke, and glanced over to the play area, and there was the doll. Eyes wide open, and I lost it. I was right back again, seeing that baby, hearing the screams and I ended up so shaken that my CSR called my boss to come help me.

I was in a good place, so I thought.  But flashbacks still occur. Still happen.  Nightmares never go away. So what's the answer?

I do know that I do not want to keep dreading summer. Hate June and July so much I make myself sick. I want a change now. Right now~

I need to forget about the baby, I need to make July 2nd a great and wonderful day to remember it differently. I need to wake up from a nightmare, and realize how far I have come. How things are different.

It is not like I haven't said all this before. It isn't like I haven't tried. I am like velcro, no matter what it keeps clinging to me. The trauma of what happened to that baby, the trauma of what happened to my family. The trauma and after effects cling to me. I just have to learn to deal with it when it comes roaring its ugly head.

Today's issues are what I need to concentrate on. Medicare changing and Diana's drug costs are killing us.  Not being able to run the air conditioning with someone with Lung Cancer is not cool, but we can't afford the electric bill. Applying for jobs only never to get an interview, much less an offer. Missing events because we can't afford gas and are to embarrassed to attend a wedding because we can't afford a gift. My daughter's wedding we can't help with or even afford a new dress or a wedding gift. Eating the same thing and only once a day to make it last.
These are the things that should take over my life, not nightmares of babies dying and a monster destroying my family.

I know I should be thankful that we still have a roof over our head and we have each other. Di and I~~ Since the beginning we have had nothing but trauma or drama.  She had to help me deal with the courts, trial and the idea of what happened to my family. Then she is diagnosed with terminal cancer. Given 6 months and then on to Brain cancer...We have stayed in a world of thankful for each hard as it is.

I am thankful she is here, she did not let the Doctors be right. She fights every day....every minute. Practically with no support from even her own family.  She is the strongest woman in the world. She doesn't deserve to live the rest of her days with me being depressed. I worry, will we have money to get her what she needs. I worry as we went from her working with retirement and a career as an x ray tech until she got sick. Not that she was too sick to work, but that they decided since she was on morphine for the pain of the radiation and numerous complications and hospitalizations that she was no longer needed. What a slap in the face. What a horrible way for her to be treated.

Then my career ended when legislation closed our work places in VA~
We thought it was God's way of spending quality time together.....

SHE IS ALIVE~~~This is what I need to concentrate on. HER being alive, beating all odds, never giving up~~~I try, I do try. But feeling helpless, not being able to take away the enormous pain she is in, not being able to provide for her the way we were use to.  It hurts...It brings me back to a bad place all over again. A vicious circle of helplessness....

But....what you go through makes you who you are. Who you become and what you do with your life.

Holding on or letting go.  I am doing both.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Interesting how it works.

I know many who really either love Joel Osteen Ministries or really do not like him much at all.

There are times when something goes down the feed that I really know has helped me.

Today, well happened again.

As I began to work for my page tonight, I was scrolling through the feed. Another friend posted about the baby left in the car and was once again saying how that can never happen, shouldn't happen, etc.... 

Well we know it does, we know it has and if you read my other posts, you know how I feel about judging these parents.

I was upset, and just kept scrolling....and this is what I saw~

 Your job isn't to judge. Your job isn't to figure out if someone deserves something or decide who is right or wrong. Your job is to lift the fallen, restore the broken, and heal the hurting.

These posts are how people feel, and I do understand that. All I know is how the parents must feel. How devastated they must be, and what kind of nightmares they will have. Guilt will kill you. This I know all too well.

They need our prayers, they need our understanding and again, they need our prayers. They will never heal from this. NEVER

If I have been suffering for over 20 years just from the experience of finding the baby, holding the baby, seeing the baby and hearing the screams of that mom. What is she going through. What are any of these parents, grandparents and families going through??

I pray for them nightly because I know I should. I wish others would as well. We all need prayers, we all need understanding.

I pray no one will ever have to go through something they were judgmental about. But God is funny, we just don't get his jokes. I more babies die. I pray that no other parent ever....has to feel that pain~ But, we know it will happen, and I choose not to judge, as I know as in the case of the baby I found, dead, with her eyes wide open. It was an accident, a cruel and horrible accident. 

Some Days are better than others

After a tough weekend, today started off a little easier. I had nightmares, but not as severe. It wasn't as hot as it has been, and I think that helped. The dog also decided to wake me by stretching into my hip with his claws. But that was good I think as he woke me from the heavy feeling of that poor baby on my chest.

As the days get closer to July 2nd, the chest pain increases and I will hold it in because I DO NOT WANT anyone else to have to deal with it, be reminded of it, to see how totally it destroyed every cell in my body.

This too shall pass......or not. Either way we have to deal with things. Either way, it is life.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Summer nightmares, memories and wishful thinking!

It was cooler than it has been lately today, didn't help with the nightmares last night, but at least today started off a little better.

Too bad it didn't last long. The thoughts of what happened this weekend have consumed me, caused more chest pain and a headache that won't go away.

The realization of what I thought was right, being so wrong is hard to swallow. The little things, like when the kids were little we went out of the way to travel, take them to as many places as possible. Museums, beaches, amusement parks. Places all over the east coast. We sacrificed, saved and did everything we could to make these trips the one's to remember.  Problem is.....they don't.

They don't remember I was home for them, or involved in their every activity. They just remember I didn't work.  Their memories are so different than mine.  That hurts.

I was hoping to spend time with my kids this past weekend. It was a special weekend. 4 years of when I started what is now all that keeps me going. Something I was proud of. Something I give my all too. Where I get the little bit of money I do. But they didn't have time for me.

It reminded me of how my mom must have felt when the Sunday gathering stopped when dad died. Every Sunday, my local brothers came to the house. Until Dad was gone. Funny thing is....he died on a Sunday. How hurt she was, and now I know why. She didn't want to beg, or to bug them. She wanted them to come over because they wanted to be with her. I guess I am more like my mom then I knew. I don't push, and that's a problem. If I push, well I am a pain. You can't win....I am sorry Mom. Truly sorry ~~

It is almost time to have the fear of sleeping start again. It is the time I hate the most anymore. Since the storm came through, maybe, wishful thinking, it won't be so bad tonight. I won't wake up hearing that screaming mom, I won't wake up with feeling the weight of that baby, and just maybe...just maybe I won't wake up to her eyes open.

Summer Nightmares, Ton's of Memories and Wishful Thinking~~It is how I live in the Summer~

First Day of Summer

Here it is....Summer is here. I woke up startled and I know it will be this way for a while. I open up the computer, the first page on my MSN site states

Here we go, then I did what I shouldn't have, I went to Facebook. There was a friend who posted that no way she could ever leave her child in the car. Everyone chimed in and everyone had their judgements. All I could think about were the babies. These parents will never be the same, and these children never have a chance to live.

Getting through the day without talking about it drove me to do these blogs. I sit in the heat of the day because we can't put the air conditioning on since it costs so much. I watch the dog as he pants, and watch her as she tries to withstand the heat with her condition. I try to shake the thoughts and just be thankful we have each other, and then something reminds me again.

In just a few short weeks an anniversary of the most horrific day of my life is on the way. That is in the back of my mind always. Another thing I don't talk about. Another thing that no one wants to hear about. Another thing over 15 years ago that affects me each and every day.

I hate summer. 

I wish everyone enjoys all their trips, the beaches, the family times.
I want nothing more than to see people enjoy their lives and I can live through them. Summer for someone who can't breathe due to cancer is scary. I worry. I worry a lot. I just sit back and pray nothing will happen this summer.

I had to stop as the chest pains got worse.
I spent the day in massive pain, missed a celebration with friends
and funny thing
except Diana.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Summer always Triggers Me

I knew it was coming, it always does. Those posts that usually are about animals left in cars, but then turn into another child that dies from being left in the heat of a car and one more is lost. Another child has to die.

Every year when the heat begins, I start feeling it, the same thing I felt so long ago. Helpless, Anger, and even a fear I can't describe.

I got help...Saw someone, and tried to get past it all. But here I am again...Right back on that day, and I have no where to hide.

It was in June~Over 20 years ago, when my mom was still alive, my kids were little and life was on the surface good.

 I was on the way home for a family dinner and stopped to get rolls at the bread store on Plantation Road. I go to my car from the store and heard a yelling like I have never heard before. She keeps screaming... My baby, My baby~~ I thought someone had stolen her child. When I ran over, she was standing there in shock, I looked in and did not see anything. The Van had the high back seats, but she kept screaming. I ran around and slid open the back door. There she was....Limp, lifeless with her eyes open. I jumped in, got her out and handed her to mom who was still screaming at the top of her lungs. By this time the crowd that gathered started helping. But, it was too late.

She did not realize her husband had put the  baby in the car to go to the baby sitter. She thought it was his turn. She never saw the baby in the back. She didn't know.  She will never leave my mind. My heart, My soul. This mom lost her precious baby and I will feel the weight of that baby in my arms forever. FOREVER I will see her eyes wide open, Forever I will hear those screams.....

People are nasty, people are judgemental, and people just have to go through things themselves before they understand. But, I can't keep watching the judging on Facebook or other sites when it happens over and over again.

When you lose a child due to your own actions....well I can never imagine how you ever get through that. I did not judge her then, nor will I ever judge anyone who has such a loss.

Kids die, Animals die, and people die when left in the heat, in a car, even in their own homes. Every year there are more. Every year other's seem to think it could never happen to them or someone they know.

I thankfully can say it hasn't happened to me, or anyone I know, but that didn't stop me from holding that lifeless baby in my arms. That didn't stop me from hearing the horrifying screams that day from the mom.

I see a doll with it's eyes wide open~I am right back there. I feel the heat in the car, and I can hear that baby cry for mom. Nothing I have done for the past 20 + years can take it away. I will always wake up from nightmares of holding that baby. I wake up with my heart racing, and can't shake it.  I won't shake it until about mid October. When the heat is gone, unless I see a doll with it's eyes open, and I am right back there again and again.

I don't talk about it much. I don't talk about it at all anymore. No one wants to hear about that day. I hold it in. I keep it close and I am a basket case because of it.~~Summer time. For some it means trips, beaches and family time.

For me it is the remembrance of many horrible events in my life. It is the beginning of a long long few months for me..... Summer... For me, it is the time I hurt the most, cry the most and just wish it would all end the most.