Monday, June 30, 2014

Just when the memories are killing me....this happens

It has been a rough few weeks~~ More babies dying due to being left in cars. The screaming and nightmares have taken its toll on me. The heat gave way to cooler air, and made it a little easier to take. Then thoughts of this Wednesday took hold. I shake it off, then keep going. I find other things to do, and then a kid screams, or someone mentions a trigger.

But what truly brought me back to here and now, was the oxygen compressor nearly killing Diana. Due to the oxygen company wanting to save money, not listen and not care, her machine melted the filter which caused her to have major lung issues. Not good for someone with lung cancer. The company finally sent someone with a brain out, he was not happy when he saw what they had done to her. He was not happy when he was told that they said that they only use generic filters.  We were not happy when we found out that no one knew what they were doing or talking about. This nearly killed her and getting through the past week with her trying not to drop a lung took over our life.

This is the way we live, according to how she feels each day. The heat was bad enough, having no air is bad enough, eating the same thing every day because of the change in Medicare and not having money, was bad enough. She fought so hard to stay alive. Only to have the oxygen company try to kill her. Medicare is trying to kill her.

It is okay. She is alive and she is getting a little better thanks to the tech that finally knew what was going on. We may have a smidgen of good things, but when they come, we are so thankful and feel blessed for each moment of happiness.

I can't stop the triggers of the baby in my arms. I can't stop the triggers of the monster and what he did to destroy us, but I can stop and be thankful of her waking up, us having a dinner with our son and daughter n law. Actual food, and for the laughs we get from the dog. I can stop...and re-think that a flashback is just that, something I already lived through. I can remember it was horrible, it was trauma I would never wish on anyone. I can be thankful, shake it off, and continue to live life each day, however it is handed to us.

As bad as this week usually is for me. I am going to make it different, I am going to take control and take those bad memories, flashbacks and turn them into a celebration of living through it all, with my family being where they are today, happy, healthy and with people who love them. I am in control, and it is about damn time I realize it~