Oh My

What an amazing roller coaster week~ Full of sadness, crying, laughing and joy. 

Great friends who renewed our faith, an 8 year old that makes us crazy, and the nightmares turned almost funny last night.

Life...Its funny how it goes. Stressed to the max, and I will always say. Laughter is indeed the best medicine. Looking for more of it. Looking for peace~

It isn't about the cancer, It is all about the money.

From the beginning it was about the money.

The tests, the treatments, the drugs~~ All about what she could afford.

After fighting and not living up to the doctors predictions of being gone in 6 months, it has turned into money control.

She lost her job, her career, her retirement, and her insurance. She struggled until Medicare came in to play. Now it is worse than ever.

She was better off before she had any kind of insurance.

The drug stores don't care what they hand her, twice she has been given a drug that she is allergic to. Twice they tried to convince her that it was the same. Different manufacturer and because of the cost, they won't carry it. They won't even order it. Twice two different companies almost killed her.  Same with the oxygen.  To save money they are using a generic filter. It doesn't fit. In fact it melts. It almost killed her. It took months to make them see. It took her almost dying to get it taken care of.

Fight for your life only to fight against those who supposedly are to help you.  THEY DON'T~~~BECAUSE IT IS ALL ABOUT THE MONEY~

After 7 years of paying full price because her life saving cough syrup wasn't covered, it is finally covered and she gets a break. Until the drug companies decide they won't use that manufacturer. The next drug cost triple the amount. 

They don't care she fights every day. They just care about the money.

From both of us having careers and money to finding things to sell to get her drugs. What did she fight for???  This is no way for anyone to have to live after giving all their life to the medical field. Working hard and caring so much. Only to find out no one cares~~ No one except us~~

Life isn't about what you do....It is about how lucky you are. Get Cancer~~ Live past your expiration date given and it is almost like you are punished.

She is a fighter, but damn, does she have to fight every day ~~~ The tumor is still there, it is not active, in her lung or brain. She fights the pain and continues to believe. She is the strongest person I have ever known, She nor anyone deserves this~~~

Just when the memories are killing me....this happens

It has been a rough few weeks~~ More babies dying due to being left in cars. The screaming and nightmares have taken its toll on me. The heat gave way to cooler air, and made it a little easier to take. Then thoughts of this Wednesday took hold. I shake it off, then keep going. I find other things to do, and then a kid screams, or someone mentions a trigger.

But what truly brought me back to here and now, was the oxygen compressor nearly killing Diana. Due to the oxygen company wanting to save money, not listen and not care, her machine melted the filter which caused her to have major lung issues. Not good for someone with lung cancer. The company finally sent someone with a brain out, he was not happy when he saw what they had done to her. He was not happy when he was told that they said that they only use generic filters.  We were not happy when we found out that no one knew what they were doing or talking about. This nearly killed her and getting through the past week with her trying not to drop a lung took over our life.

This is the way we live, according to how she feels each day. The heat was bad enough, having no air is bad enough, eating the same thing every day because of the change in Medicare and not having money, was bad enough. She fought so hard to stay alive. Only to have the oxygen company try to kill her. Medicare is trying to kill her.

It is okay. She is alive and she is getting a little better thanks to the tech that finally knew what was going on. We may have a smidgen of good things, but when they come, we are so thankful and feel blessed for each moment of happiness.

I can't stop the triggers of the baby in my arms. I can't stop the triggers of the monster and what he did to destroy us, but I can stop and be thankful of her waking up, us having a dinner with our son and daughter n law. Actual food, and for the laughs we get from the dog. I can stop...and re-think that a flashback is just that, something I already lived through. I can remember it was horrible, it was trauma I would never wish on anyone. I can be thankful, shake it off, and continue to live life each day, however it is handed to us.

As bad as this week usually is for me. I am going to make it different, I am going to take control and take those bad memories, flashbacks and turn them into a celebration of living through it all, with my family being where they are today, happy, healthy and with people who love them. I am in control, and it is about damn time I realize it~

I am trying~~

As the day started, so did all the anxiety. I am going to try to acomplish the things I didn't yesterday. I am trying, I really am.

I have decided that to keep myself from wallowing in the days ahead, I am going to start going through all those items I saved for whatever reason through the years.

As a mom, you tend to hoard things thinking your kids will want these. It brings back memories, means something or may even be worth money. Then you realize, it means nothing to your children, only to you.

Back in my day, LOL Now I done gone on and said that. Back when I was a teen, when it was time to move on or out, we shopped in our parents basement. We used the couch, the end tables, chairs whatever else we needed, we could find at mom and dad's.

So, I saved everything, just in case. Then when my parents house was emptied after the home was no longer in our possession, our parents were gone, we were gone, I just had to have those items that held such fond memories for me. I had to keep things, for the kids. I wanted them to have pieces of their grandad and growing up.

What a food I have been, they don't want old stuff any longer. They all have great jobs, great lives and don't want or need **Stuff**~ So I guess I will have a big sale, but this time, things I never thought I would let go of. Things that can help us, instead of sitting in a box somewhere waiting for me to die and the kids have to clean out.

No longer saving something just because it meant something to me. Life today means more. If I can make $50 and help with bills, her meds or even buy food. That is what I need to do.

It is hard to shift your thinking, and getting rid of things that you wanted your children to have, but shifting it is.

I am trying...I really am.

Hold on tight, or try to let it go?

They say what you have been through makes you who you are. I am not sure what I am, but I know I have to make sure that this time in my life does not turn into another dark memory for me in 20 years.

That's a positive statement. I will be here 20 years from now remembering how I feel today. Remembering how something 20 years ago has taken over so completely.  

I often wonder if I was in a better place would it be so hard. The past 16 years or so have not been so great, even with some wonderful and happy moments, I have not been okay for quite a while.

When I was working I remember having a child come into my office who had a doll. She put her down and went to play in the play area I had set up for the kids.  When the family left, I went to smoke, and glanced over to the play area, and there was the doll. Eyes wide open, and I lost it. I was right back again, seeing that baby, hearing the screams and I ended up so shaken that my CSR called my boss to come help me.

I was in a good place, so I thought.  But flashbacks still occur. Still happen.  Nightmares never go away. So what's the answer?

I do know that I do not want to keep dreading summer. Hate June and July so much I make myself sick. I want a change now. Right now~

I need to forget about the baby, I need to make July 2nd a great and wonderful day to remember it differently. I need to wake up from a nightmare, and realize how far I have come. How things are different.

It is not like I haven't said all this before. It isn't like I haven't tried. I am like velcro, no matter what it keeps clinging to me. The trauma of what happened to that baby, the trauma of what happened to my family. The trauma and after effects cling to me. I just have to learn to deal with it when it comes roaring its ugly head.

Today's issues are what I need to concentrate on. Medicare changing and Diana's drug costs are killing us.  Not being able to run the air conditioning with someone with Lung Cancer is not cool, but we can't afford the electric bill. Applying for jobs only never to get an interview, much less an offer. Missing events because we can't afford gas and are to embarrassed to attend a wedding because we can't afford a gift. My daughter's wedding we can't help with or even afford a new dress or a wedding gift. Eating the same thing and only once a day to make it last.
These are the things that should take over my life, not nightmares of babies dying and a monster destroying my family.

I know I should be thankful that we still have a roof over our head and we have each other. Di and I~~ Since the beginning we have had nothing but trauma or drama.  She had to help me deal with the courts, trial and the idea of what happened to my family. Then she is diagnosed with terminal cancer. Given 6 months and then on to Brain cancer...We have stayed in a world of thankful for each day....as hard as it is.

I am thankful she is here, she did not let the Doctors be right. She fights every day....every minute. Practically with no support from even her own family.  She is the strongest woman in the world. She doesn't deserve to live the rest of her days with me being depressed. I worry, will we have money to get her what she needs. I worry as we went from her working with retirement and a career as an x ray tech until she got sick. Not that she was too sick to work, but that they decided since she was on morphine for the pain of the radiation and numerous complications and hospitalizations that she was no longer needed. What a slap in the face. What a horrible way for her to be treated.

Then my career ended when legislation closed our work places in VA~
We thought it was God's way of spending quality time together.....

SHE IS ALIVE~~~This is what I need to concentrate on. HER being alive, beating all odds, never giving up~~~I try, I do try. But feeling helpless, not being able to take away the enormous pain she is in, not being able to provide for her the way we were use to.  It hurts...It brings me back to a bad place all over again. A vicious circle of helplessness....


But....what you go through makes you who you are. Who you become and what you do with your life.

Holding on or letting go.  I am doing both.

Interesting how it works.

I know many who really either love Joel Osteen Ministries or really do not like him much at all.

There are times when something goes down the feed that I really know has helped me.

Today, well tonight.....it happened again.


As I began to work for my page tonight, I was scrolling through the feed. Another friend posted about the baby left in the car and was once again saying how that can never happen, shouldn't happen, etc.... 

Well we know it does, we know it has and if you read my other posts, you know how I feel about judging these parents.

I was upset, and just kept scrolling....and this is what I saw~

Joel Osteen Ministries

 Your job isn't to judge. Your job isn't to figure out if someone deserves something or decide who is right or wrong. Your job is to lift the fallen, restore the broken, and heal the hurting.

These posts are how people feel, and I do understand that. All I know is how the parents must feel. How devastated they must be, and what kind of nightmares they will have. Guilt will kill you. This I know all too well.

They need our prayers, they need our understanding and again, they need our prayers. They will never heal from this. NEVER

If I have been suffering for over 20 years just from the experience of finding the baby, holding the baby, seeing the baby and hearing the screams of that mom. What is she going through. What are any of these parents, grandparents and families going through??

I pray for them nightly because I know I should. I wish others would as well. We all need prayers, we all need understanding.

I pray no one will ever have to go through something they were judgmental about. But God is funny, we just don't get his jokes. I pray.....no more babies die. I pray that no other parent ever....has to feel that pain~ But, we know it will happen, and I choose not to judge, as I know as in the case of the baby I found, dead, with her eyes wide open. It was an accident, a cruel and horrible accident. 

Some Days are better than others

After a tough weekend, today started off a little easier. I had nightmares, but not as severe. It wasn't as hot as it has been, and I think that helped. The dog also decided to wake me by stretching into my hip with his claws. But that was good I think as he woke me from the heavy feeling of that poor baby on my chest.

As the days get closer to July 2nd, the chest pain increases and I will hold it in because I DO NOT WANT anyone else to have to deal with it, be reminded of it, to see how totally it destroyed every cell in my body.

This too shall pass......or not. Either way we have to deal with things. Either way, it is life.